When Christians struggle with lust

Chapter 3 of The Spiritual Meadow by Saint John Moschos

When I was in the Community of Penthoucla, there was a priest there who baptized. He was a Cilician and his name was Conon. He had been appointed to administer baptisms because he was a great elder. He would anoint and baptize those who came there; but it was an occasion of acute embarrassment to him whenever he had to anoint a woman. [Baptism was anciently done in the nude, and anointing meant covering the entire body with oil.] For this reason, he wanted to withdraw from the community. But whenever he thought of withdrawing Saint John [the Baptist] would stand by him, saying: ‘Persevere and I will make the struggle easier for you.’

One day a young Persian woman came to be baptized, and she was so very beautiful that the priest could not bring himself to anoint her with the holy oil. After she had waited two days, Archbishop Peter heard of it and was very angry with the elder. He wanted to appoint a woman for the task but he did not do so since this would have been contrary to custom.

Conon the priest took up his sheepskin cloak and went his way saying: ‘I will not stay in this place any longer.’ However, when he got into the hills, Saint John the Baptist met him and said to him in a gentle voice: ‘Go back to your monastery and I will make the struggle easier for you.’ Abba Conon replied in anger: ‘ Believe me, I will not return. You have often made that promise to me and you have done nothing about it.’

Saint John then made him sit down on one of the hills, stripped him of his clothes, and three times made the sign of the cross beneath his navel. ‘Believe me, Priest Conon,’ he said, ‘I wanted you to carry away some reward from the struggle. But since you did not wish it so, I have caused the struggle to cease. But you shall have no reward for this.’

Conon the priest returned to the task of baptizing at the community and the next day he baptized and anointed the Persian without even being aware that she was of the female sex. For twelve years he anointed and baptized without suffering any physical disturbance and with no awareness of women’s femininity; so he drew his life to a close.

The Lord left Conon in a place of struggle rather than freeing him, and would have granted Conon a crown of victory. But Conon’s prayer was granted, his struggle was taken away, and so Conon did not gain any virtue.

Moral for a disciple struggling with lust: God may be less disgusted and offended by your recurring sin, than he is patient, compassionate, and planning to teach you how to walk in freedom and win a crown.

Saint Ambrose of Optina told of an ascetic woman who was besieged for a long time with unclean thoughts.

When the Lord came and cast them away from her, she called to Him: “Where were you before now, O my sweet Jesus?” The Lord answered: “I was in your heart.” She said then: “How could that be? For my heart was full of unclean thoughts.”

The Lord said to her: “Know that I was in your heart, for you were not disposed to the unclean thoughts, but strove rather to be free of them; and when you were not able to be free, you struggled and grieved. By this you prepared a place for Me in your heart.”

In a sermon by Saint John of San Francisco, I read these words:

God’s grace always assists those who struggle, but this does not mean that a struggler is always in the position of a victor. Sometimes in the arena the wild animals did not touch the righteous ones, but by no means were they all preserved untouched.

What is important is not victory or the position of a victor, but rather the labor of striving towards God and devotion to Him.

Though a man may be found in a weak state, that does not at all mean that he has been abandoned by God. On the cross, the Lord Jesus Christ was in trouble, as the world sees things. But when the sinful world considered Him to be completely destroyed, in fact He was victorious over death and hades. The Lord did not promise us positions as victors as a reward for righteousness, but told us, “In the world you will have tribulation — but be of good cheer, for I have overcome the world” (John 16:33).

The power of God is effective when a person asks for the help from God, acknowledging his own weakness and sinfulness. This is why humility and the striving towards God are the fundamental virtues of a Christian.