Fr. Aris Metrakos
Aren’t we disgusted with the shocking number of high-profile cases of priests engaged in pedophilia, homosexual activity, and adultery? Some excuse this behavior with the platitudes “a sin is a sin” and “we are all sinners.” Uh, excuse me?
Persons who say “a sin is a sin” don’t live in the real world. My wife is more than forgiving when I snap at her for no reason. I don’t think that she would be that charitable if I were to come home smelling of another woman’s perfume.
I concede that we are all sinners, but clergy relinquish the right to even think of engaging in certain classes of sin. When a priest sins sexually he damages the Church the way that crooked judges, lawyers, and police officers damage the legal system. How can anyone not understand this?
Looking back on my seminary years, nobody ever told me that I shouldn’t put my hand on an altar boy’s private parts, leave my wife for a man, or go to bed with someone other than my wife. Come to think of it, they didn’t tell me not to eat yellow snow, either. The faculty assumed that we all knew better.
There’s a saying about the word assume. If you don’t know it, ask somebody who served in the military to explain it to you. So, rather than assume that seminarians and young clergy know right from wrong with regard to sexual matters, here are some essential rules of behavior for those preparing for and serving in the priesthood:
- If you are delaying ordination until you find Miss Right, then be willing to wait for the appropriate woman to come into your life. Rushing into marriage with the wrong person is like voluntarily infecting yourself with an incurable illness. Ask any married person — our spouse will either make us or break us. The priesthood poses enough difficulties without having the millstone of the wrong wife around your neck.
- If you have sexual fantasies about anything other than a woman, get help. If these ideations persist, choose a different career.
- If your heterosexual fantasies occupy as much of your time as they did when you were 15, see an experienced confessor. If you are married and have persistent sexual fantasies about anyone other than your wife, again, see the confessor.
- If your marriage needs fixing, then go to counseling. If counseling doesn’t work, you have three options: separation, divorce, or “gutting it out.” Finding a mistress is not an acceptable alternative.
- Appearances matter. Don’t put yourself in situations where your integrity can be challenged. Don’t stay in the same room with children when no other adults are present. Don’t go swimming with anybody other than other clergy, and certainly not with minors. Don’t meet repeatedly for one-on-one counseling sessions with the same person outside of normal office hours. Don’t meet with a long-time female friend in a hotel room when you are together at a conference. Don’t give rides to a woman or a child unless other people are in the car.
- It’s not too late until it’s too late. If you are counseling a woman and you are attracted to her, send her to another priest. If you are about to walk into the bedroom of a person who is not your wife, walk away. If you are kissing someone other than your wife — stop, and get on the phone with a priest-friend whom you can trust.
All sexual misconduct is unjustifiable. Some child abusers excuse themselves because they were victims of abuse. Yet plenty of adult survivors of molestations go on to have normal sex lives. Get help. And before you put your hand where it doesn’t belong, remember how bad it felt when it was done to you.
And all sexual misconduct deserves the maximum penalty. When persons on the bench, in the bar, or with a badge undermine the legal system they get locked up for a long time; they are held to a higher standard. Priests who are pedophiles, homosexual predators, and adulterers need to be defrocked — not only to send a message but to protect the Church and her members. Some of them need jail time too.
And why give a wolf in shepherd’s clothing a second chance to ravage the flock? Maybe an adulterous pastor who had one occasion of adultery could be given a second — and last — chance, but only after plenty of counseling and a transfer to the other side of the continent. The rest need to be removed.
The second century priest-martyr Haralambos was dragged by his beard through the streets because he refused to deny Christ. In the 21st century, clerics drag the good name of the priesthood and the Church through the tabloids and the evening news. Sexual sin among the clergy must stop.
Rev. Aris P. Metrakos is the pastor of Holy Trinity Greek Orthodox Church in Columbia, South Carolina. He is frequent retreat leader and speaker for both teens and adults. Prior to attending seminary, Fr. Aris was an aviator for the US Navy. He travels annually to Romania to help the Romanian Orthodox Church establish ministries for Romanian youth. You can contact Fr. Aris at FrMetrakos@orthodoxytoday.org.
I have a question regarding the following scenario: In a case where a Greek Orthodox Priest is married to someone who is verbally abusive and missing when needed for care, children supervision and continiously puts down the whole family as well as threatening to commit physical harm to the members of the family…Who as well refuses Therapy…What would you recommend to a Priest experiencing these circumstances that have brought him to the verge of death because of illness. No compassion for the medical condition and verbal emotional abuse is constantly present. In an un and abusive situation as thid…what do you recommend?
If anyone in our family starts threatening to hurt family members, we can certainly ask our clergy for prayers, but it’s really an issue for police and for mental health professionals. As for his duty as a husband in an abusive situation – that’s not something an outsider on the Internet can discern for him. He’ll need to make his decisions after counsel with his confessor and his bishop.
I know a priest whose wife divorced him after he’d been a priest for years. His bishop and his confessor understand that it was his wife’s choice to leave him, not a matter of abuse or misconduct on his part; and he hasn’t remarried, so he continues to serve as a priest.
Every presbyter is the local representative of his bishop, and acts on his bishop’s instructions. Especially today, with phones and e-mail, it would be hard for a priest to be out of touch with his bishop, who would of course be the one to apply the canons. The canons are the norms that guide the bishop as he seeks the salvation of each soul in his flock. Some canons he’ll apply with akrivia – with strictness – and others with oikonomia – with specific dispensation. it’s the same way that every doctor follows prescribing guidelines precisely, or with his own judgment, as he sees fit for each patient’s healing. The aim of the bishop as he applies the canons is not to enforce uniformity but to save souls.
Hi Nadia, As a former marriage counselor who happens to also be divorced, family dysfunction is usually more apparent to those outside the marriage. People marry into symbiotic dysfunction, I usually tell people we choose our mutual goofy when we get married. The problem is if one party gets “well”, then there are hard decisions to make. In the case of clergy it may come down to one’s own mental and physical health or staying a priest (for whatever reasons and obviously not all will be honorable, some may be pragmatic… what does a “career priest” do if he gets laicized and has kids, child support etc. and no “earthly skills”?). Unfortunately sometimes Bishops are the last to know there are marital problems or the depth of the issues of a priest’s family, and Bishops aren’t marriage counselors. If the wife’s behavior is scandalizing the parish, it would be appropriate to send a letter to the Bishop with your observations (NOT your recommendations…). All Bishops are not created equal in regard to their sensitivity to the role of the priest’s wife in his ministry and men are often ordained and given parishes without the Bishop ever meeting the priest’s wife. This is a tough issue, but as Silouan said, we need to pray. What seems to be a grievous marital situation to an outsider may be the path someone has to take to learn some things the hard way because they made bad decisions and have decided to see it through. If I knew 18 years ago what I know now, I might not be divorced… maybe.